Hot tears forced their escape as I climbed up on the treadmill. High expectations of distraction were threatened with reality. I was rejected. Even worse she was accepted. It wasn’t fair. The more I ranted and raved the more I became obsessed with her. And in this soul devouring game I played–I knew the bitter truth. I hated her. I not only detested the fact she was promoted, but loathed everything about her. From her feminine frame and ease with fashion to her commitment to God. I couldn’t stop fixating the many petty ways I disdained her. I knew I had gone too far. My rage pumped through every part of my being and I felt the danger of it exploding through my skin.
Hoping to drown out the chaos in my mind I turned up my iPod to maximum levels. I was desperate for relief, yet too weary to know how to pray. I chose to submit my crazed envy in the form of moans and groans. As the music played on, it was as if God Himself orchestrated the playlist to create a soundtrack to set the tone for this present day drama. As I listened in, God’s voice thundered ever so gently to the depths of my soul.
You feel jealousy raging within you.
Beloved, this is how I feel towards you.
I am jealous for you.
He had my attention. As much as He identified to my extreme emotions I could not ignore His were holy. Gripping the sides of the treadmill I held on for more.
Your jealousy keeps Me from having all of you.
I will not relent until I have completely captured every part of your heart.
I am jealous for you.
My pace immediately slowed as I became overwhelmed by His words. God’s rebuke wrapped up in His crazy love for me. He was after my heart—all of it. It was a wild expression of His passionate pursuit to capture every part of my soul. He took the very emotion I was overpowered by to demonstrate how He was captivated by me. Suppressing sobs within me I listened to His one request.
Give me your heart.
My head spun. His request required forsaking all offenses. What would I do without my right to whine and complain? Was I brave enough to give in? As doubts entered my process I became mysteriously enticed by the hope of freedom from hatred’s grip. He was giving me courage. It was time. Wiping away sweat and tears I surrendered to the One who calls me Beloved. To my surprise the transaction was not complete. The Lord took His turn in what was to be the Great Exchange. Taking His own heart from His chest He placed it within me. His gift took my breath away.
I opened my eyes. I was still at the gym. Nothing had changed around me, yet everything was transformed within me. I was finally free. Free of me. Who would have thought that in this smelly, sweaty place God would give me His holy and pure heart?
Will you do a heart exchange?—I dare you.
Click on the link below to hear the song God moved to my playlist that day.
You Won’t Relent by Misty Edwards