The candle flickered in the dark room. Music played as I studied my painting. I dipped my brush into the purple paint. Stroking it across the canvas I grew ever intense as the lyrics and paint mingled together deep in my heart.
¯ I am royalty, I have destiny… ¯
I paused. Something was stirring in my spirit. I pushed away from my work. The truth of those words began to embed in my soul. Feeling the weight of destiny brought a surprising and unwelcome emotion. Uncertainty entered my mind. Royalty? Destiny? I suddenly wasn’t sure anymore. Ambushed by doubts the enemy invaded with intensity. The battlefield was set for the war over my mind.
It wasn’t long before the attack of doubtful thinking became strategic in bringing in stronger forces. Obsessive dark thoughts gripped me in fear. Kicking and screaming I was taken prisoner with no one in sight to rescue me.
“Where are You?” I screamed.
Weeping uncontrollably I went in and out of reality. I heard the prison door slam. Tears turned to anger. And anger turned to threats.
“If You don’t show up I won’t believe You are real.
Do You hear me?
I won’t believe You are real!”
I continued to shout heated warnings to God as I fought for a sane life. This is it. I’m trapped forever on the edge of a cliff with a crazy sensation I am going to jump. As words of royalty and destiny echoed in the room I dropped to my knees and buried my face in the floor. The lies and scary thoughts were nailing the coffin shut to my soul. “Where are You?” I sobbed.
My deeply troubled soul called out and longed for the deep healing touch of God. For what seemed like hours I became despondent over His silence. I cried out with no response from Heaven. I had been here before. Only it wasn’t hours of captivity, it had been years.
I became terrified these moments would once again multiply into months and then years. No, not again. I can’t bear it. Exhausted I lay in a heap of tear soaked tissues. When I was ready to give up—He showed up. There before me I saw His feet. He came to set the captive free. He was here, but His posture confused me. “Lord, why are you standing next to me? Why aren’t You down here holding me?”
I stand on the edge in place of you. I am your Protector and Defender. I will not let you fall.
I was taken back by His warrior sounding voice, but more so by His words. He took my place at the cliff’s edge? The image of the cross flashed through my mind as I remembered it wasn’t the first time He had taken my place. He rescued me—again. New tears came. Lord, I don’t understand Your ways or Your timing, but I am learning to trust You nevertheless.
I took another look at my painting. Careful strokes of purple declared my royalty and destiny. A strange comfort fell over me as peace became my pillow and I drifted off to sleep. He was here. I was safe. I am free. And He is real.
Where is God standing on your behalf today?
*Writer’s Note: If you are experiencing obsessive dark thoughts I encourage you to seek professional and/or pastoral counsel. This blog is only a brief glimpse of my healing journey of OCD and obsessive dark thoughts. Every person’s experience is unique. If you need help I encourage you to find a church, Christian counselor, and resources to help you. You don’t need to go it alone. Below are some links to resources I have used and music to speak truth and encourage your soul.
There is healing. There is hope. There is destiny for your life. You will overcome.
Midwest Center for Stress
Cucamonga Christian Fellowship
¯Overcome by New Life Worship
¯No Sweeter Name by Kari Jobe
¯The Anthem by Jake Hamilton