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It’s been awhile since I cried over it. Where I have sat long enough to let it all sink in…and feel it through and through.

And then a thoughtful message from an old friend via Facebook…

…and I am in it all over again.

Sobs want to push through and flow into streams and I wonder if I will ever feel joy again.

But I did—just this morning when my boys and I drank in the sunshine and fresh breeze during breakfast. We ate, laughed, spotted lizards, hummingbirds and a sparrow hopping the length of our sunbathed grass as I read aloud from a favorite book. We relished in the freedom from fear, worry and sadness.

In those moments—joy caught me by surprise.

Yet almost as soon as I recognized the joy I saw guilt lurking in the shadows ready to pounce and wrestle me to the ground. How I can be here enjoying pain free moments as a loved one is condoned to the prison of chemotherapy and around the clock medications?

It. Doesn’t. Seem. Right.

“Read to us, Mommy.”

I push guilt away to be present with these ones: First Boy who finally found his giggle and Blonde Boy who reminds me to see the beauty around me. This is where I need to be. Right here, right now. Present.

Yet, still the end of the day comes and as the sun empties its light into the night—guilt and sadness have their way.

And in this very moment, I can’t help but feel the darkness of despair settle into my heart.

“Momma, what is despair?”

The words from this morning rushed to the front of my mind. First Boy interrupted the story to find meaning in an unknown word.

“What does it mean, Momma?”

My eyes scan the printed words on the page to find context of the story. How does one explain despair to an eight year old? Why would anyone want to give definition to that which does not give hope or promise?—to a child no less—it doesn’t seem fair.

I’ve known despair, but just how do I put it into words?

When. All. Is. Lost.

When ALL hope, promise or future is unreachable, lost, and forgotten.

No, of course I didn’t say it like that to my boy, but it’s true, isn’t it?

Wait.

Is it?

Is. ALL. Lost?

**

In order to stay true I must end my post here. I can’t wrap this all up neat and tidy with an amazing revelation because I just don’t have one. I know what it should be—but it has to be real. If it’s not real—then I need to pack it all up. The truth is I don’t have this thing called life figured out. I really don’t. That’s why I titled My Blog: Vulnerable. Messy. Broken Hallelujah. That’s me. Nothing more. Nothing less.

So, I’m changing things up—and I honestly have no clue what that means. I just feel the nudge to go for it—whatever “it” may be.

So, will you join me? Will you come on this crazy journey of discovering Hope? Be it cancer, sickness, employment, addictions, disability, financial or relational—we all need Hope.

But just so you know—I have a lot I’m processing:

Does Hope exist even in the midst of dire circumstances? What does Hope look like in a crisis. Why does scripture sometimes sound cliché in heartbreaking moments? How can this Breath of God come alive in our very souls?

I know this much. The answers are not easy or scripted, but rather experienced.

So, will you join me in this safe and authentic community and experience the journey together? I hope you will.

Let’s Journey Together,

Laura

Words I’m Leaning into Today (personalized-because I think it makes a difference)

May the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in Him, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV

For He is the Lord my God who takes hold of my right hand and says to me, “Do not fear, Laura; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13 NIV

Music I’m Soaking In Today

To The Very End by Will Reagan & United Pursuit Band

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