A couple weeks ago I wrote this as my Facebook status:
I’m doing grown-up things today.
I wasn’t much of a grown-up before I wrote that.
Instead I listened in to the child-like voice in my head. She whined and pleaded for me to keep the bed covers pulled up high enough to block my eyes from seeing the sun. It was the voice of an insecure little girl telling her grown woman self to…
save the grown-up stuff for another day.
there. will. always. be. another. day.
Somehow in the midst of the whining voice and an incessant alarm clock sounding every ten minutes a new thought flashed before me–and the Son broke through.
It’s time to grow up.
I got out of bed.
Looking back at the clock I realized just much time was wasted on letting insecurity talk me out of living life. I had to move fast…but most importantly I had to move.
And I did.
Ironically, the place I needed to get up and go to was to be a good thing– and I knew that going into it. It was a day set aside for me to breathe and be. A soul care retreat (yes, there is such a thing). This is a place nothing could go wrong.
So why was this so hard?
The hard part was the location. It was 60 miles west from my suburban home into Bel Air (Los Angeles). I should probably mention I hate driving–especially by myself. And being one who has recovered much from years of severe anxiety these simple things still require me to mentally labor over traveling miles and miles of unfamiliar asphalt. Simply getting behind the wheel of my husband’s hybrid car (another piece I didn’t like because I don’t “know” his car) was a tremendous amount of mental work…and growing up.
Below is a peek into my journal from the end of that day. The words are simple, but there is so much in between the lines. So much.
Growing up is…
Driving myself to an area I hate,
on freeways I’ve never liked,
to a place I’ve never been…
to be at a place
I don’t know,
around others I’ve never met…
to listen to teachers, ministers, and authors
give wisdom on my soul
for 8 hours.
Growing up is…
Praying a prayer,
reading an ancient scripture,
and walking the path of the labyrinth…
all. by. myself.
because that’s what grown-ups do.
they move forward
without a friend for company,
or to hide behind,
or to chat through the awkward moments…
when everyone else
has someone else
to talk to
to eat with
to make plans with…
because growing up
means making outward movements
on my own,
trusting God in me…
moving forward for the hope of inner movement.
Thanks for coming alongside my journey,
What outward movement will you make today for the hope of inner movement?